he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
