im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
