oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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