I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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