the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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