mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
