A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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