so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
