I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
