I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
