Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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