our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my penis made a compromise with my morals
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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