I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
