do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
