you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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