there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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