Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
