Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
