i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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