I want to stick my p in your. b.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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