he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
