I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
