If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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