Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
