You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
