and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She told me I should be a condom model.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
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