this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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