First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
