If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
