well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
