You really coming over, don't trick.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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