god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
