my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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