you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
