Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
