I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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