I CAN MOONWALK!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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