Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
