I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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