I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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