Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
