I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
