Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want to make out with him forever
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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