dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
