I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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