hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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