Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
