I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
