I just threw up on my dentist
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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