Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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