The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
