ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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