I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
