I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I just sharted jello shots
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
