glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
...so i touched it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
