I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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