the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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