I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just high enough for therapy.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
