True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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