Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
